Locked out, peering through & guardian angels

I had an "Oh Crap" moment yesterday.  I had just got home with the boys and taken my almost 3 year-old in the house and went back to get my very sleepy 14 month old.  As I got back to the door with sleepy head in my arms I realized the door was locked.  I could see my purse, keys and cell phone sitting on the counter and my 3 year old was locked in also.  I sighed, took a deep breath and knocked on the door calling for my older son.  He finally came to the door laughing as he peered through the window at us.  Now to get him to open the door.  Hmmm....he hasn't done this and I don't really want him to know how.  But this was an extreme circumstance.  As I told him to pull down on the handle as hard as he could I tried to push the door.  After several attempts we got it open.  Phew, catastrophe avoided.  We do have a hide a key, but the last time I tried to use that the box was so covered in dirt I couldn't get it open.

Speaking of peering this has become my almost 3 year-old son's new favorite word.  It is not a word that I use often.  I'm pretty sure he must have got it from Thomas.  He is always saying that he is peering over to whatever.  The one day we were driving to his grandparents house and there is this famously bumpy road that always makes them laugh.  He said "I am peering over to the bumpy road" and then when we turned on to the next road he said "I am still thinking about the bumpy road".  Where does he come up with this stuff.  I am starting to see his imagination coming through.  His favorite pretend game is to pretend he is a baby pig and he pretends to drink from my stomach because I am his mommy pig.  This makes me laugh because he saw at a local fair a litter of pigs drinking from their mother and the very next day he was trying to drink from my stomach. 

This brings me to my 14 month-old who's two favorite animal noises are woof woof and some sort of oinking sound.  This little boy has gone from the "tornado" to the "destroyer".  He is just full speed ahead.  He has learned to open doors (we now have child proof door knob covers on almost every door in our house) and he climbs up on to everything!  The other morning after I finished cleaning up breakfast I went to check on them.  They were in their playroom where everything is supposed to be child proof.  There he was sitting on our windowsill nose pressed against the window sucking on his pacifier.  Yikes, he must of used another toy to climb up there.  We have decided that he works his guardian angel overtime.  Since he has turned 1 year-old we have found him on 3 different occasions at the top of a flight of stairs looking down at us.  The other night he pulled his humidifier down and made a mess.  After we were done cleaning up the mess I went to find him and he was angelically sitting on the floor of the playroom looking at books and stayed their doing that for a good 15 minutes.  He is a delightful child but just so curious about everything!

It really is amazing to think about.  To discover the world anew like a child.  Where every little thing holds wonder.  To be so full of life and not hold back.  I've learned a lot of lessons from watching my children!

The Blah's

It has been a week of the blahs.  I was sick, really sick for 24 hours.  I mean I can't remember the last time I was that sick.  I went to bed with a headache and upset stomach and woke up at midnight really sick.  I was almost completely out of service for 24 hours straight.  Fortunately, it was a day my husband was home and was able to take care of the wee ones for me.

What is it about being a mother that makes us feel so guilty for getting sick?  I kept mumbling apologies to medic hubby all day long amidst puking and exhaustion.  I don't remember ever feeling so guilty when I had to miss work because I was sick.  And the thing is before kids I could call off work and lay in bed in a quiet house and rest.  Now with kids I have to power through sickness and continue to take care of them.  This time I was actually so sick I couldn't do that, so I did lay in bed and tried to sleep.  But I could hear the screaming and bickering and general struggle that was going on downstairs, this does not help to ease a mother's feeling of guilt. 

I woke up at midnight the following night and could immediately tell I was on the mend.  I felt better the next morning but not great.  Medic hubby was working the next two days so I had no choice but to power through.  I do have family close by which is a big blessing.  It was wonderful to know they were only a phone call away if needed.  As I finished off my second bottle of orange Gatorade on day number 3, I mustered all of the stamina I could to make it through a 24 hour day of medic hubby working.  And I'm not going to lie, it was not a pretty sight.  There was a lot of Thomas watching, a lot of crying and a lot of tired sighs. 

Till the weekend rolled around I was feeling really just blah.  Maybe it was partly the blahs that come with the end of winter.  As I tried to explain to medic hubby how I was feeling he gave me the kick in the butt I needed.  If there is one thing he lacks (I do love the man) it is empathy.  I think it is partly to do with the jaded view that has come with his career.  He basically said stop having a pity party and do something!  

And he is right.  I take my health for granted everyday.  Even though it was a very crummy week, I am very thankful for the good health that I do have.  I think of those who are dealing with cancer and every type of physical pain and heartbreak.  So many people live day to day in pain and yet remain positive and often encouraging to others.  There is no place in my life to have a pity party for myself! I am blessed beyond words.  As my 2 1/2 year old son had said "I am running over blessed"!  Some days I do need this reminder.    

For Real, Honestly

With me, what you see is what you get.  I'm not in to pretending to be something I'm not.  I'm not interested in glossing life over as all peaches and cream.  I mean you may catch me on a good day when I'm looking good and like I got it all under control or you may catch me on a not so great one where I look frazzled and tired.  And this is how it goes up and down that's how life is.  

The truth is if you see me and my hair looks amazing then I was just at the salon.  Although I have to say I love the new "tossled bob" that I got.  I mean wash, scrunch, dry and go and if it's a windy day it just adds to the tossled look!  If my makeup looks good, that means I actually remembered and had time to apply some.  The other day a friend was visiting and a little while after she left I looked in the mirror and saw I had mascara on only one eye!  Oh well, guess I must have got sidetracked while putting it on.  At least she is expecting her first baby and will soon understand.

I've gotten a lot of comments from people reading my blog saying they appreciate my honesty and talking about the every day moments of real life not just the few glossed up amazing moments.  I heard a song on the radio this morning and the lyrics of the chorus caught my attention.  The song is called "Honestly" by Vota.  The chorus goes like this: If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see, honestly

If you have a few minutes check out the music video Honestly by Vota

I love that, so true!  Mercy and grace abound in my life this is how I can have hope for each and everyday.  And if you think my life is perfect then you don't see the real chaos that mercy and grace save me from.  And if you don't see my weaknesses and moments of stupidity then you don't see what  love has done.  I believe there is hope and healing in the ugly that can come with life.  If there is one thing I strive to never be called it is a hypocrite.  

I have avoided sharing too much of my faith on my blog, but it is the reason I have grace, mercy, love and hope in my life.  My prayer is that the very reason for my existence exudes from my life and the grace and mercy that I experience everyday shines through my writings.  I would LOVE to share my personal story with anyone who wants to know more.

This is me transparent, for real, honestly!  

"But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'".  2 Corinthians 12:9a

Haircuts, Lollipops & Clutter Control

My oldest son who is not quite 3 (although has been known to tell people he is 2 and soon will be 5) was in need of a haircut.  At this point I have dubbed myself as the barber for my two boys.  Although for those who know my youngest son who is 1 year old, he is still quite bald (he may need a haircut by the time he is 3).  I started cutting my oldest son's hair at around 1 year old.  I was told by a friend to stick him in a highchair and give him something to eat and then cut away.  So what was my choice of distraction, a lollipop!  Clearly, I had not thought this through.  Hmm.....sticky lollipops while cutting hair.  Despite the mess this trick seemed to work quite well.  And the next time a haircut was mentioned a lollipop was asked for, so this became the tradition.  And now even though baby boy #2 does not need a haircut he also gets a lollipop during the hair cutting.

So today, as I cut baby boy #1's hair and he happily sucked on his lollipop I was not surprised to see the hair sticking around his face and on his hands.  But as I looked over at baby boy #2 who was running around the kitchen thrilled to have a lollipop, I was a little perplexed at the fact that his little mouth and hands were also covered in hair!  Well, needless to say the first thing that follows haircuts and lollipops is always a bath.  But as I herded them in to the bathroom they were not ready to give up the lollipops.  I thought about it for a moment and put them in the tub lollipops and all.  I mean really is there a better place to eat lollipops?  There really was nothing to get sticky in the bathtub, I have to say I thought this a bit ingenious!  

I called medic hubby who was on the way home from work.  We talked a minute and he asked what the boys were doing.  I said "Oh, they are eating lollipops and taking a bath".  I didn't think how strange this sounded and it was only 9am.  So, I had to explain the scenario a bit.  I then discovered this was a little more complicated than I had anticipated.  The first issue I found was they liked to dip them in the bath water and swirl them around, which is gross.  The second issue was safety pops are no longer safe when the entire stick is wet and bends.  My 1 year old had stuffed the lollipop stick and all in his mouth.  Well....so the idea wasn't ingenious.  The lollipops were confiscated before finished to much protesting.  Hey, you live and you learn.

So, a little later as soon as medic hubby walks in the door, I pounce on him with the idea of rearranging some furniture.  Poor guy he had just got home from working a 24-hour shift and I was full of ambitious ideas.  He is a good sport and agreed to my suggestions and began helping me move things around.  I was explaining to him that I was still trying to find what worked in this house and how to make it efficient.  To which he responded "this isn't a business".  I was slightly offended.  I informed him that this IS my career right now and I do want things to run smoothly and efficiently.

Later I was thinking about it and I think my job title might as well be "chaos and clutter control".  This is what I feel like I am doing most days.  I am simply getting us from one day to another with as little chaos as possible and trying to keep the clutter under control so we don't lose our sanity.  For those of you who have children you understand this.  I can remember my view was completely different before children.  Things actually stayed where you put them!  I can remember visiting friends' houses who had kids and thinking #1 it smells weird in here and #2 what a mess, there are toys everywhere.  Now, I totally get it.  I mean there are many days where you cannot walk through our house without stepping on a toy or cheerio every step of the way.  My 1 year old son has officially been dubbed the tornado by medic hubby and me.  He is full speed ahead, climbing up on things, pulling things down, emptying cupboards and squeezing into tight spaces.  I find that household chores take 10 times as long as they should and as soon as I turn my back something is pulled down or emptied out.  

So medic hubby for your information I am president of the Chaos and Clutter department at the Homefront corporation!

Powdered Sugar Snow

I am not a huge fan of wintertime.  I much prefer the warmer temps and sunnier days.  Medic hubby on the other hand loves winter and all that comes with it.  I do however, on occasion enjoy the beauty of a fresh snow.  This past week we have had several "powdered sugar" snows.  These are my favorite, not too much, doesn't make the roads messy and generally melts till the afternoon.  

I forgot the excitement that snow brings out in children.  The other evening it started to snow and while we were eating dinner my oldest son asked if he could go out and play in it.  There was only a 1/2 inch of snow and not much light in the day left but I agreed thinking it would probably be gone till morning.  We bundled both boys up.  This took a good 15 minutes with both medic hubby and I on the job.  Getting two toddlers in to snow pants, scarfs, hats, gloves, jackets and boots is a lot of work.  But it was worth it as they both ran squealing out in to the snow.  They frolicked and romped around in the snow like puppy dogs that had been penned up all day.  

As I ran after my littlest one trying to keep him from nose diving into the snow.  I noticed the beauty of the evening.  It was a gorgeous evening, it was just starting to turn dusk, huge snowflakes were falling from the heavens, it was not windy or too cold and a powdered sugar snow covered the ground.  There is a certain beauty to a fresh snow.  It covers up all the brown of winter and sparkles and gleams with brilliance when the morning sun hits it.  I guess if I had to pick between the brownness of winter and the whiteness of snow, I would pick the snow.

The thing is I don't like a lot of the aspects that come with snow.  I mean when you were a kid it was great!  You got to sleep in, stay home from school, play in the snow and drink hot cocoa.  But as an adult snow means waking up earlier, shoveling driveways and driving on icy roads.  I guess nothing worth having ever comes easy!  There is something about having children that brings a fresh perspective to life that seems to have gotten lost somewhere between becoming responsible adults and the daily grind of a career.  Maybe it is the ability to see life through child's eyes again.  To not think about all the work the snow creates but to think about the fun you are going to have playing in the snow and the hot cocoa to follow!  

I think the trick is not taking ourselves too seriously.  Children are always quick to laugh, goof off and act silly.  Maybe this is a lesson we could learn from them.  Don't get me wrong being a responsible adult is important, I mean we have to care for these bundles of joy.  But it is important to be able to take a child's perspective and be able to see the fun and joy in everyday life!

Dining Out and Grocery Shopping WITH Toddlers

It's amazing how even the simple things like eating lunch out and grocery shopping become quite the feat with toddlers.  Especially when you are outnumbered.  That's why when my mother-in-law called to ask me if I wanted to meet her and my niece for lunch I hesitated for a split second.  I thought over the scenario of a not quite 3 year old, 2 year old and a 1 year old with only two adults.  It could get pretty ugly but throwing caution to the wind, I agreed.  Yeah, this is me living life on the edge these days, haha.

We met at a local diner and amazingly the three behaved quite well.  Several people stopped by our table on their way out to tell us how well behaved our children were!  I smiled sweetly and said thank you while thinking, in about 2 seconds one of them will probably fling a whole plate of food on the floor and they will all be screaming at the top of their lungs.  But much to my surprise the meal went quite smoothly.  After putting jackets on I carried my youngest while I held my older son's hand and his little cousin held his hand and they followed me out of the restaurant.  We received lots of smiles on the way out.  I have to admit they must have looked adorable.  Not because they look alike but because they are such contrasts.  My 13 month old son is still bald with light brown eyes, my older son has straight black hair and dark eyes and my niece has beautiful blond curls with blue eyes.  My heart swelled with pride of these cuties as we walked out.  This was one dining in public experience that we could mark as a success. 

And then there is grocery shopping.  I will be honest grocery shopping is the only kind of shopping I do these days.  With two toddlers and living on a tight budget there is rarely time or money for any other kind of shopping.  I realized soon after the birth of my second son that this was not going to be an easy task.  I remember those first couple months when I would have to strategically plan trips to the grocery store to avoid nap and feeding times.  I would have to strap a baby carrier on to the front of me and put the other one in the cart and it was the middle of winter.  It has gotten slightly easier.  Now the challenge is when the cart gets too full my not quite 3 year-old has to walk.  Oh he loves this, but his little hands are touching everything.  I tell him the cart is so heavy he has to help push, this works for about 3 minutes.   Then there is the check-out line with the rows of candy at eye level.  This has not become too much of an issue yet, but I know it will.  Some days it goes smoothly others not so much! 

For instance, one time I needed to run in for 2 dozen eggs.  I thought I could do this easily and quickly without a cart.  Well you can picture, one baby on my hip, 2 dozen eggs under the other arm and trying to keep hold of a toddlers hand.  To top it off the one check out line at that entrance was a mile long.  After the third elderly lady told me to get a cart that I was going to have scrambled eggs, I bit my tongue when I wanted to tell them to mind their own business!  I drug my children to the other end of the store to check out and then after I peered outside and saw it was raining buckets I decided to finally get a cart.  As we stood outside under the roof waiting for the rain to stop (because of course I didn't have an umbrella) a nice man offered his umbrella so we could get to our car!  Sigh...lesson learned there is no such thing as an easy in and out for one item with two kids!

These are things I never even thought of before children.  Anyone who has had two children under two years old understands the struggle of sometimes just getting them from point A to point B.   In and out of car seats, across parking lots and through doors!  It can be so tiring and stressful that sometimes it is easier to just stay home.  But then we usually are finally driven to a point of insanity that you have to get out.  And you find the strength to do incredible feats like taking them to the mall and actually trying on and buying something you desperately needed while avoiding all meltdowns.  Chalk one up to parents who manage to do many things with toddlers in tow!

"A pea is in my nose"

My oldest son who is not quite 3 is an excruciatingly slow eater.  He can easily sit at the table for an hour every meal if we let him.  And it's not that he doesn't eat his veggies.  In fact he is very good at eating his veggies he often will have two servings before he eats anything else.  He is simply slow.  Well, he also plays with his food.  I've watched him methodically dip his tator tots in ketchup and line them up as though it was a train.  He's also created a "nest" out of spaghetti noodles and green beans when we've had guests over.  He likes to stack food, smash food, mix food together and anything else messy.  I probably need to crack down on this a little, but it hasn't been a top priority.  Because he takes so long at the table I usually am washing dishes and cleaning up while he is finishing.  So I don't always have my eyes on him.

Tonight as I was finishing cleaning up he started fussing and said "pea, pea".  I thought he was telling me he had to go to the bathroom.  He said "NO a pea is in my nose!"  Not taking him too seriously, I looked, no there is no pea.  He insisted there was.  So I got a flash light and tilted his head back.  And upon further inspection there indeed was a pea jammed way back.  My first thought was of course, medic hubby just left for work.  These things ALWAYS happen when he is not home.  Luckily, it was easily remedied.  I held his one nose hole shut and told him to blow as hard as he could.  And sure enough that pea came shooting out like a cannon ball out of a cannon!

This was the first of sticking foreign objects up our nose.  I later told him we do not stick peas up our nose.  After he repeated "Do not stick peas in your nose".  He laughed and said "That was funny".  Sigh...I am in for a long road ahead with these two boys. 

People often say to me "Oh it must be so nice having a paramedic for a husband".  It is I guess, the thing is everything always happens when he is not home!  I don't know how many times I have called him with bleeding and bump questions.  He usually says "How come this stuff never happens while I'm there?"  My reply is always "That's what I would like to know".

So why is this.  I was thinking about this.  Is it murphy's law?  Sometimes I feel like he is implying that I am not careful enough.  But, I was thinking about this tonight.  The chances are of course much greater that they will happen when I am here and he is not.  I mean in an average week I spend probably a total of 6-8 hours away from my children.  Medic hubby on the other hand is usually gone  60 plus hours.  Okay, so it is only natural that more is going to happen when they are with me.

I feel so unprepared for mothering two boys.  I had no brothers and really know nothing about boys.  But I have been doing my homework watching, reading and interacting.  I am slowly figuring them out.  And these two little mischievous, energy filled boys have won my heart.  Some days we have wild fun play days, where it literally looks like a tornado spun through my house till the end of the day.  But after they are tucked snug in there beds and I sink in to the sofa I am thankful for the gift of mothering these two boys.

The Changing Sunrise

As I sit and look out my window, there is something in the scenery that I miss seeing.  Our neighbors cut down an old dead tree.  It was dead, but it was a magnificent tree.  It was one of those giant old trees with spooky looking branches, it was a nice silhouette against the morning sunrise.  It had a very artistic feel to it, it felt like it needed to be painted or photographed (my art student friend understands that!).  

I say this now, but just a few months ago when we had a lot of rain and windstorms I complained about it.  I told medic hubby that tree would surely fall and hurt somebody.  I remember watching it shake in the wind and think any second it would go. 

And now it is gone and I miss it already.  I know it needed to go, it's the circle of life.  But I miss seeing it's scraggly branches against the morning sunrise.  Isn't it funny how some things become a part of us without us even realizing it.  Things can become part of our daily routine, a steady in our lives.  Good, bad or indifferent that's the way it is.  This world and our lives are constantly changing, that's just a fact of life. 

Change can be very difficult, especially for adults.   One of the great things about children is their quickness to adaptability.  Children thrive on routine and familiarity, but they are also very adaptable.  Neither of our sons batted an eyelash when we moved.  There was a lot of upheaval in trying to get situated in our new home.  But the boys embraced it and thrived.  There were so many new things about their new home but they loved it. 

My 2 year old didn't even get upset when I killed his pumpkin seed plant that we had so carefully moved with us.  He had planted this seed and we had watched it grow everyday and then planted it outside at our new house.  It was the middle of July and I forgot about it for 3 days.  It could not be revived, I tried.  I felt awful, I told him I was sorry, he just shrugged his shoulders and went on playing.  If only I could adapt to change and disappointment that quickly.

Our youngest son was a few days shy of 7 months when we moved.  And literally, the day we moved he started crawling!  He was so excited to see his new surroundings and so happy to be mobile.  Change did not slow down his progress, in fact I think it sped it up.

I miss seeing that tree but I will embrace the new sunrise and the fact that it is now unimpeded by a big tree.  Isn't that how we need to treat change in our lives.  It is okay to grieve what is lost but we must look forward and embrace the new.

Little laugh:  Listening to medic hubby's response to "Where did daddy come from?", "Um, from Mimi & Pop-pop",  "Were you baked in a factory?",  "Yeah, sort of".  Oh, boy not ready for the birds and the bees conversation quite yet!

Positive Proverb:  "I the Lord do not change." Malachi 3:6a  (It is nice to know there is one constant!)

Unexpected Surprises

Baby boy #2 entered our lives at a very unexpected time.  I shared a little about our infertility struggles and our adoption story.  Now I will share about one of the most unexpected, pleasant surprises of my life.  We had just celebrated baby boy #1's first birthday.  It had been a joyful 6 months since we had brought him home to be part of our family.  Not without it's challenges.  The few weeks before we had left for Taiwan I was on this crazy kick that I wanted to start the adoption process again as soon as we got home.  After returning home with our baby boy, reality set in and I realized how much work a baby was.  We then both agreed that we would wait until he was 3 or 4 before we adopted again.  Because, why in the world would I want two kids in diapers, that's just crazy!

We were not actively trying to conceive, I was not even keeping track of my cycles.  I remember things were so crazy and finally one day I kept looking at the calendar thinking I should have got my period by now.   I remember pacing that bathroom while baby boy #1 was napping and medic hubby was working.  I was in for the shock of my life when I saw that positive.  How could this be!  Four plus years later and here I am pregnant unexpectedly.  I had really just come to accepting the fact that I would never conceive and go through the experience of pregnancy.  And now I am pregnant!  I did the calculations this put me due close to Christmas with the babies only being 20 months apart.  I WILL have TWO in diapers, but I couldn't have been happier.

Poor medic hubby, he had no clue.  I didn't even tell him about the pregnancy test till after the fact. He found out about the news just like all our other ground-breaking news in his car, driving!  That's what happens when you work 2 hours from home, the news couldn't wait.  I tried, but as soon as I said we need to talk when you get home, he got it out of me!

This began our crazy ride through pregnancy.  It was exciting and challenging.  I have to say, I way over-romanticized being pregnant.  It was not the most favorite 9-months of my life.  I was given the due date of Christmas day!  Baby boy #2 decided to come early and come fast.

It was the Sunday before Christmas and it was our Christmas Candlelight Service at church.  Medic hubby was supposed to be singing "O, Holy Night", like he does every year.  Thankfully, this year he was doing a duet.  He was literally headed out the door to practice and my water broke.  Although, I wasn't sure and I told him to go ahead.  Soon contractions started and they came hard.  He came home and we got to the hospital and I was already 8cm dilated.  My water broke at 5pm and that baby boy was born at 10pm. 

Just yesterday, I watched this baby boy now 13 months old.  He realized that running down a slight hill gave him momentum and made him go faster.  He shrieked with delight as he teetered almost out of control down that small decline.  He is a dare-devil and a little tornado.  But, I love every square inch of that tiny busy-body.  And my love for him is not because he is the labor of my body but because God gave him to me to love and cherish.  

This has made me realize that unexpected surprises are the best gifts to receive with arms opened wide!  Is this what I had planned, certainly not.  But my arms and heart are full with two baby boys snuggled in them and I couldn't be a happier momma.

Little laugh:  My 13 month old running around the house dragging shoes and coats saying "Iwannagobyebye".  Yes, this is what he says constantly!

Positive proverb: "Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still" Proverbs 9:9a