There is a boldness that comes with motherhood that I did not have before. I believe it is the innate "mother bear" response that we sometimes respond with. Several months ago we were at a kid friendly place where my boys were happily playing. I heard some punk teenager say the "F" word. I was immediately angered that he said this word in front of my children and about to give him a piece of my mind. I did respond with an indignant "excuse me!" to which he did not hear in the noise of everything around. I held my tongue in check as this was not directed or even heard by my child or any other. But, I do hate that vulgar "F" word!
To be fertile or to not be, that is the question. This is the "F" word to me or I guess I should say the "i" word, infertility. The majority of people take no second thought to infertility, because it does not affect their lives. Myself included, medic hubby and I went happily through the first 5 years of our marriage until we decided we wanted to start a family. We were so naive; we were young and healthy so we never dreamed we would have difficulties conceiving. I honestly thought it would happen within the first few months. As friend after friend became pregnant and gave birth. I started to worry something was wrong. We passed the one year mark and I was becoming impatient. This was starting to take an emotional and physical toll on both of us. We visited the doctor he referred us to another doctor and we eventually ended up at a fertility doctor.
We went through all kinds of imaginable tests and were diagnosed with unknown infertility. Is there anything worse then the unknown. A diagnosis I could have dealt with, but no explanation. So we started on a low dosage fertility drug and they monitored my cycle very closely. I thought it was stressful before, well this required about 5 doctor visits in a 2 week period. Every month they said things look great, you are going to get pregnant! Well, we did this for four months and then they started pushing for further more involved treatments. We were at the 2 year mark at this point and I was physically and emotionally done. So we decided to take a break from all treatments and from "trying". This proved to be the best thing we could have done. I had a lot of things I needed to work out spiritually and emotionally at this point. We poured ourselves into other areas of our lives and had some awesome opportunities to travel and help others.
In the midst of those difficult days, I made some dear friends who will be friends for life. One particular friend was in the throws of infertility, same as I. We talked often and openly as there were some things you just couldn't share with others. Even now, I feel like I have a special connection to women who have gone through seasons of infertility. There are some things that only women who have been in that desert can understand.
As year 3 was rolling past we were starting to talk and pray about the possibility of adoption. This story I will share in another post, because it will be a long one! We were almost at the 4 year point when we adopted our beautiful Taiwanese son. And then just after 5 years, I gave birth to our second beautiful son (also a story for another day!). Both of our sons are true miracles!
Now that I am on the other side of this desert, I sometimes forget how thirsty I was. I try to be sensitive to others in difficult situations. I know my experiences have made me more compassionate and kind to others. It is good to sometimes think back and reflect on those bone dry days, where my heart and soul physically ached.
I am young, I know this will probably not be the worst desert of my life. I know that there are many others who have experienced and are experiencing things much more painful than what I went through. I write this to encourage you in the desert times and to ask you to look back and reflect on those deserts in your life. Reach out to someone who is struggling whatever the "F" word in your or their life is.
I am thankful for the struggles I have went through because it has made me into the person I am today. My faith is now rock solid, I know who I am and what I believe. And I am eternally grateful for the two small gifts I have been given to cherish and treasure for the rest of my life!
Little laugh: My son playing and pretending to be in time out....hmmm, how affective is this method of discipline.
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