Utter Chaos

The last few weeks have been nothing but challenging for me.  My two sons are testing me to my limits.  If one decides to be agreeable and pleasant the other will certainly become ornery and defiant.  Please tell me I am not the only one who seems to have utter chaos rule the roost every morning!  I mean you would think we never experienced a morning together in our house before.  Monday mornings when we have to get up, get breakfast and out the door are actually the easiest day of the week.  Maybe it is because I know I am getting a few hours break when I head to work.  But the other mornings of the week seem to be utter chaos.  I have tried to set routines for the morning activities but it seems to be to no prevail.  Undoubtedly one of the two will wake up cranky and not quite ready to face the day.  The other will decide it is necessary to pick on the cranky one.  Most often what we are having for breakfast is not of their liking and gets flung across the kitchen.  Even when I agree to their favorite of scrambled eggs it is a bit of a disaster with both of them trying to stand on one chair to "help" and my 3 year-old son trying to crack the eggs.  My 20 month-old son has a melt down almost daily over the fact that he can have only one vitamin!  Then their is the scuffle over toys and screaming that follows.  It is not unusual for their to have been multiple time-outs before 9am.  And we always have the issue over one bathroom and 4 people.

I am an organizer and a planner and for my mornings to be so far out of my control and seemingly very unproductive is beyond frustrating.  I sometimes look at my children and their behaviour and wonder where I have gone terribly wrong.  For they act as though they were raised in the wild by a pack of orangutans. Then my loving husband reminds me that they are little boys who are 3 and 1 years-old.  Yes, they are toddlers who will some day grow up and I will be one of those weepy moms saying it was just yesterday they were babies and who has amnesia and remembers only the great moments.  And this is a good moment for they are sitting nicely on the porch stuffing their little mouths full of animal crackers and looking pretty stinkin' cute!

I asked my dear hubby if it is normal for me to feel like I am going to lose my mind almost every day.  His reply was "I know I would if I were home with the kids every day".  Haha, if you know my husband you understand he loves his family but most definitely lacks empathy!  But I know these days will too soon pass and I have near panic attacks thinking of sending them off to school.  My husband also says regularly and I agree with him that parenting is the hardest thing he has ever done.  It most assuredly takes sacrifice and perseverance.

The earlier moment of cuteness has passed and it is now 8pm and the one who refused dinner at mealtime is now sitting up and finally eating his dinner.  And the other who pooped in the tub just a few minutes ago is sleepily watching Thomas.  And I persevere on for one day all the things I have been trying to teach will finally sink in and I will be rewarded.  And as far as sacrifice their is no greater gift I can give to my children than the daily sacrifice of parenting them!

It's a Boys' World

"Insanity" it's the name of the workout DVD set my husband has decided he must tackle.  It is a very strenuous workout that is supposed to make you very fit and muscular.  My husband is very fit already but being the overachiever he is he always thinks there is room for improvement.  As I watched him finish the workout this morning with sweat pouring down his face he commented that this is indeed insanity.  And I said I have my own insanity workout every day and it's called my two toddler boys.  No need for a gym membership for me these days.  My workout is 14 hours straight and if I'm lucky I may have a short break in the afternoon.

My world has become all things boy.  I knew nothing about boys until I had my sons and I am still learning.  I had no idea sticks and rocks were so incredibly fun to play with.  And sit and play in the baby pool, I don't think so, much more fun to dump it and create a mud puddle to play in.  Any noise coming out of either end is extremely funny.  Chasing each other and running laps through the house is the most fun indoor activity.  A 3 year-old boy can talk for 3 days straight about a tree that he saw that fell down.  An 18 month old will consistently poke his pet bunny in the eyes every chance he gets.  Pictures of monsters are drawn on birthday cards.  Playing in the toilet is intriguing.  And the preferred attire is complete nakedness.  Sigh...it's a boys' world. 

Now I agree, that just because they are boys is no excuse for bad behavior.  But I do believe there is a level of physicality early on that is just different with boys.  Like my one friend said of her 2 year-old son, it is like trying to rope a calf just to get a diaper changed.  I have learned to carry my 18 month-old son when he is kicking his legs and throwing a tantrum with his belly on my hip, arms pinned and legs flailing out the back.  You have to learn how to handle little boys and their strength or they quickly over-power you.  

Sunday mornings I look at the little girls at church in their pretty dresses, bows in their hair, fingernails painted and cute sandals on their feet.  Then I look over at my sons who are either shoving donuts in their mouths or trying to run away from me.  And I think, thank you God for the blessings of my sons and thank you for the many things they are teaching me!

Lessons Learned from the Garden

This summer I have attempted my first ever vegetable garden.  The house we are currently living in has a gorgeous big back yard and is perfect for a large garden.

Lesson #1:  Do not be to proud to accept help
We have had some very gracious neighbors who have helped and given lots of advice.  Our next door neighbor who is a "retired farmer" has a huge meticulous garden.  His wife humbly told me it was always his dream to have a big garden but he never had time when he was farming.  She hesitantly after much persisting took the few dollars I offered in exchange for the corn seed they had given.  But she made sure to send me home with a bag full of home-made fasnachts.  I don't even really like donuts but if you have never had a true home-made fasnacht you have not lived!

Lesson #2:  Be persistent
The start to my garden was a little rocky.  My peas which were planted a little late never sprouted.  Apparently there was some worm that was eating them this year.  A few other things I planted by seed never sprouted either.  But I was determined to press on.  I walked down the road to the local greenhouse and bought several tomato and pepper plants.  We then planted corn, green beans, cucumbers and lettuce, all of which have done great.

Lesson #3:  Always let the little ones help
There is something amazing about planting seeds, watching them grow, harvesting and then preparing and eating it.  Not to mention delicious.  It has been wonderful for my sons to help in the process as well.  They now understand that corn, green beans, tomatoes don't come from the freezer or can.  I had my frustrating moments of watching them trample seedlings or pick green tomatoes but I know the value of what they were learning is irreplaceable.  The other day I was preparing lunch and I told my 3 year-old son to go to the garden and pick the reddest tomato he could find and he did and we ate it for lunch.  Today my 1 1/2 year-old son was kept busy for quite awhile by helping to peel off the husk from our corn.

I have a new found respect for farmers.  I don't have to go very far back to find farmers on both sides of my family.  In fact I only have to go to my grandparents.  Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were in to some sort of farming for larger periods of their lives.  But I cannot imagine having your livelihood dependent on the weather and how your crops do that year.

Thankfully my livelihood is not dependent on my garden but we have been enjoying the bounty of fresh vegetables from garden to table!

The Sweet Grace of a 3 Year-old

Ok, so I know it's been almost a month since I wrote a post.  What can I say, summertime is a busy time of year and it finds me outdoors away from the computer a lot.  This I am not sad about as sometimes I fear the internet is a time sucker and as you all know time is the greatest gift. 

But an incident that happened today between me and my 3 year-old begs to be written about.  My children continue to test and teach me everyday!

It was 10a.m. and we were trying to get out the door to run a few errands.  They were playing outside for a few minutes while I quickly hung a load of laundry on the wash line before we left.  As I was shooing them towards the car my 3 year-old son announced that he was hungry for breakfast.  I was quite irritated because like 3 year-olds can often be, he had been stubborn at 8a.m. when we all sat up to eat breakfast and refused to sit up and eat.  But I felt guilty because I had not pushed the issue too much this particular morning and had not made him sit and eat.  So, due to my lack of follow through earlier I knew he indeed was probably hungry and marched them back into the house so he could eat some cereal.  This did not make my 18 month-old son happy because he was ready to "go bye-bye" as he says and he had indeed ate breakfast this morning at the appropriate time.  So as I was trying to quiet the fussing of one and watch the other ever so slowly and non-challantly eat his cereal, I off-handedly made the comment that "I am losing my patience".

Several minutes later my 3 year-old son said "Mommy, you lost your patience, but you will find more".  This stopped me cold in my tracks and I turned slowly to him and looked at his earnest and sincere face.  I knew it was time to apoligize, I said "I'm sorry, you are right I did lose my patience and you are right I always do find more".  He then went on to say "I like you and I love you mommy, give me a hug".  So I went over to him and he sweetly wrapped his little arms around my neck and hugged me tight. 

Wow, what a humbling moment.  To be extended grace ever so sweetly by my 3 year-old when I was the one clearly in the wrong.  He simply pointed out what I had done, reminded me I could do better, forgave me and told me he likes and loves me.  He did not pout, complain, get angry and hold a grudge the way I sometimes do when someone is in the wrong against me.

The lessons we can learn from the pure hearts of children are ASTOUNDING. 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4:8

Ironincally, I had just read and copied this verse down yesterday.  He showed it to me in life and breath.  No wonder Jesus said we should come to him as little children. 

"And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'"  Matthew 18:3

Grace given to me sweetly today by my son.  Grace given to me daily by my heavenly father.  I do not deserve but they give.  May I give the same to others undeserving in love.

Freezer pops, blue plastic baby pools and the Beach

Just a few weeks ago I was talking with several girlfriends and we were dreaming of cruises on the Carribean and frozen drinks.  Maybe someday we will get to take that vacation together.  But right now we are all in the midst of babies and toddlers and the Carribean sounds pretty far off.

Over the holiday weekend and our heat wave, I decided to break out the kiddy pool for my boys.  I filled it with water when they were napping and put them in their swimsuits as soon as they woke up.  We headed outside to eat our treat of freezer pops and splash in the baby pool.  They had so much fun and were so excited to play in their little tiny blue plastic pool.  As they climbed in and out and chased each other around, I decided that right now freezer pops and the baby pool beat the Carribean and frozen drinks any day!

And then we took a two day trip to the beach....
Wow, did the boys have a crazy fun time.  I mean when else do they get to play in a giant sandbox, chase waves, skip nap time, eat fries and ice-cream, swim in a pool, go to the boardwalk, ride in an elevator and all sleep in the same room.  Yes, they thought it was wild, crazy fun.  Mommy and daddy thought it was exhausting but were glad to make the memories with them.

The beach and two toddlers is challenging.  There was the issue of dragging everything out to the beach, we are talking, umbrella, two beach chairs, towels, sand toys, cooler, beach bag and don't forget the toddlers themselves.  We had a four block walk from the hotel...but we were smarter than that.  Daddy dropped mommy and the boys off and I took them and a few bags and daddy got to park the car and walk the four blocks.  Then their was trying to keep our 18 month old from his kamikaze runs into the ocean.  He even got washed under but just kept going back for more, he has no fear.  Then their was trying to eat lunch on the beach. This seems like an easy task but with toddlers you are bound to end up crunching on sand.  Then making sure everyone is properly sun tan lotioned (I forgot my own back both days).  They did sit and play for periods of time in the sand, which was nice (I think I got to sit for a total of 15 minutes).  Which leads me to the question, why did we even bother with chairs?

I have come to realize that as a parent life is no longer about yourself.  You do things that really are no "vacation or picnic" for yourself...but you do them for the pure joy it brings your children.  I think every loving parent goes to great extremes to bring laughter and joy into their children's lives.  Have you ever thought about how we are always tickling and playing peek-a-boo with babies simply to make them smile or get a giggle out of them.  This is what true love is making sacrifices of ourselves to give to others.  And not only did this beach trip bring great joy to my children it brought great joy to me as a mother.  This is how I want to live my life not just to my children but to all those around me in love and service to others.   Think about this; Is there any greater thing, than to give of yourself in love?

"You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love."  Galations 5:13

Sleeping Baby

Last week I went to visit my friend who just had her baby.  We cooed and fussed over how precious and sweet he was and marveled at the miracle of life.  I tried my hand at holding a newborn again and was glad to see I could soothe and calm him for a few minutes.  But soon he was squirming and rooting and wanted nothing but his momma.  He was not needing to eat he had just done that but I reluctantly handed the little bundle back to his mommy.  I was amazed that in about 30 seconds time he was completely relaxed and contentedly asleep with his little arms crossed in front of him in his momma's arms.  It is so amazing that at 2 days old he knew who his momma was and could immediately relax in her arms.  This picture of him so little snuggled peacefully in his mommy's arms made my heart happy.

It also made me ponder my first few hours with my oldest son.  Our oldest son who is now 3 was adopted from Taiwan.  We did not meet him for the first time until he was 5 1/2 months old.  We received the wonderful news of him when he was 2 weeks old.  Every month the orphanage would send us an updated photo of him.  We mailed clothes, books, photos of ourselves and even a recorded greeting card to him.  We also called several times to the orphanage where they would indulge us by holding the phone up to his ear so we could talk to him for a few minutes and hear his precious coos.  But that was it, our contact with him was very limited. The first ten days of his life were spent in the hospital because he was very sick.  All we know and were told was that "the life was prayed back into him".  The next 5 months he spent in a loving orphanage being taken care of by several different women.

When we traveled over there and finally got to meet him for the first time we were strangers.  Yet we weren't, it was as if by some miracle he knew we were his parents the very ones God had chosen for him.  We bonded instantly with him.  Our very meeting was surprising in itself.  Imagine being in an airport in a foreign country just having traveled for 20 some hours straight.  We were waiting for the person picking us up and we were told our baby would not be coming to the airport.  Suddenly, we hear our names called and we turn and there he is with our SON.  I was overwhelmed with joy and took him in my arms and of course cried.  I remember how we took turns holding him and he just stared at us.  We then had to rush out to the waiting vehicle.  As we drove we held him in our arms and played with him and talked to him.  In what seemed like not very long he was asleep in my arms.

As I reflected on the experience with my dear friend and her newborn it struck me at the miracle of my first meeting with my son.  A baby does not just relax and fall asleep in anyone's arms, they need to feel safe, secure and loved.  I believe that it was only through the grace of God that we bonded so quickly with the son he gave us.  We talk to our son about being adopted and tell him "his story" in words he can understand and process.  Whenever I start telling it or ask if he wants to hear about when we first met, he says "Mommy, you cried".  And I say "yes, I cried because I was so happy to finally hold you and kiss you and hug you".

Now, as I look at the above picture of baby boy asleep in my arms for the very first time I appreciate and understand the significance of it and it brings tears to my eyes.

Double Trouble

I haven't written a post in awhile.  Life has been busy.  A lot of thoughts swirling in my mind but I'm not ready to write about most of them.  So I decided to keep this light hearted because I could use a few chuckles myself as I recall some funny stories from my two precious boys.

The boys both love bath time and enjoy playing in the tub together.  The other week as they splashed in the tub I was finishing washing the dinner dishes.  After awhile I realized there was an unusual amount of hysterical laughter coming from the bathroom.  It was the type of laughter that a mom instantly knows something is happening that shouldn't be.  I held my breath as I opened the door, it was as I expected TROUBLE.  My 17 month-old was pulling pieces of toilet paper off the roll and throwing it in the tub.  My 3 year-old was taking the wet toilet paper out of the tub and slinging it across the bathroom.  I had just changed the toilet paper roll that day and it was now empty.  This meant there was an entire roll of toilet paper in the tub and slung across my bathroom!  Thankfully, we have an extremely small bathroom and the walls are tile, so clean up was not too bad and the bathroom was overdue for a cleaning anyway.

The other morning I was outside playing with my boys.  We had gotten back from running errands so the car was parked in the driveway.  I was sitting on the porch and my 17 month-old went behind the car.  After about a minute I decided I better check on him and just as I'm going around the car I hear him crying.  He had ventured in to our neighbors garden and because of the torrential downpours the night before had sunk into the mud up to his ankles and could not move.  Luckily, I found him before he tried to free himself and it was only his feet that were covered in slimy mud!

I took both of my boys to a baby shower this weekend.  My husband was working and my aunt wanted me to bring the boys along.  Let's just say little boys and a shower are a challenge.  It took my mom, sister and myself to keep them wrangled.  My 3 year-old sucked down two chocolate milks before I knew what happened (the kind waitress had brought him a refill).  My 17 month-old was bound and determined to climb the stairs.  My 3 year-old told my mom that "There's nothing good here to eat".  Apparently caesar salad, lobster bisque, delicious wraps and gourmet chicken are not his favorite.  I was just waiting for one of them to grab the linen table cloth and empty the whole table.  My 3 year-old later made his way to the front of the room where my cousin was opening her gifts.  My other cousin said hi to him and asked him how he was.  He then decided to announce to the entire room "I just had a big poop".  Which was the truth, and it had just happened so I guess he thought she would want to know.  Can I crawl in a hole now!  But apparently at a baby shower anything little kids do is adorable and funny, whew.

We bought a power wheels truck for our 3 year-old son a while back.  He loves to drive it around our yard.  Our 17 month-old son wants to drive it so bad but is not big enough yet.  The other day it was out and my youngest son climbed in it.  Before I knew what happened my oldest son had squeezed in in front of him and was driving them both around.  It is not a two seater but they squeezed in, little brother in the back riding and big brother in the front driving.  They both thought this was the best thing and were having a blast.  They definitely looked like partners in crime and double trouble riding around together!  This is only a smidgen of the stories I could tell.  And I am sure there will be lots more to come.  But I thank God for the blessing of my two sons and the memories that they will make for me!

You Gave Life to Me

Mother's Day, I could write about so many different things for Mother's Day.  I could write about how thankful I am for my two grandmothers, my mother and my mother-in-law.  I am truly blessed with a wonderful heritage of loving, godly mothers.  I could easily write an entire post about my mom and grandmothers.

Or I could write about how blessed and thankful I am to be a mother.  The last three years I have looked forward to and enjoyed celebrating Mother's Day.  There were several years before that, that I dreaded the thought of having to put on a smile for another Mother's Day.  Another Mother's Day that was a reminder that I was still NOT a mother.  Another Mother's Day that would be an emotional roller coaster that my dear husband did not quite understand.  But now I have the two beautiful faces of my sons to look into and be eternally grateful to be called their mother.

But, there is something very different that I want to write about.  This year I am feeling a very different kind of emotion.  And I feel it is very selfish to admit that it is the first I have thought about it.  It has to do with the birth mother of my 3-year old son.  I wonder if her heart aches on mother's day thinking of the child that she is no longer holding in her arms, in fact the very child that I now hold in my arms.  I wonder if Mother's Day is even harder for her than it was for me during my days of infertility.  For I was grieving the absence of being a mother, she is a mother grieving the absence of her child.  I often pray for her as she comes to mind, but I have never truly thought of the grief she may experience on mother's day.

I stumbled across the song "Everything to Me" by Mark Schultz today.  I've heard the song on the radio but had never heard his story behind it or watched the video.  I was in tears.  He is adopted and wrote this song about what he would say to his birth mother if he ever met her and recognized the agonizing decision she made to give him a better life.

If you have a few minutes watch this video from Mark Shultz Story behind "everything to me"

Now watch the music video to the song "everything to me" music video

Do you need a tissue?  Read the lyrics to the chorus:

You gave life to me

A brand new world to see
Like playing baseball in the yard with dad at night
Mom reading Goodnight Moon
And praying in my room
So if you worry if your choice was right
You gave me up but you gave everything to me

This is a powerful song and testimony to the love and sacrifice a birth mother often makes when she gives up her child to the arms of another.  I think this song will speak to the hearts of anyone that adoption has touched.

So this year on Mother's Day I am going to say a prayer for my son's birth mother a prayer that she will experience grace and peace in her life and know that she made the best decision she could for her son.  I am also thinking of a way that my son can honor and remember his birth mother the woman who gave life to him on Mother's Day.  He may be a little young this year but it is definitely something I am going to tuck away for thought.  For I know I am eternally grateful to her for giving life to this beautiful child that is now my own!

The Pet Bunny Named Tree

I remember one Easter when I was fairly young my sister and I each received a white pet bunny.  We were ecstatic and thought it was the best Easter present ever.  However, I remember them being wriggly and scratching us and not being very cuddly.  I also soon understood the phrase "breeding like rabbits".  Magically the two "male" bunnies that my dad got us quickly turned in to about a dozen!

Fast forward 20 plus years and my dad has now built a rabbit hutch for my two boys.  It was a process, Papa built it, grand pop painted it, uncle delivered it and daddy took them to pick out their bunny.  They were excited little boys as we put our shoes on to go get a bunny.  We debated getting two bunnies, because our pen was big enough, but I had already learned that with bunnies 1+1=12 or so.

As we followed the lady back the path to where she kept the bunnies she told my 3 year old that she has one as big as him.  She was not kidding!  I have never seen such a gigantic bunny in my life, she said it weighed 20 pounds.  As we talked rabbits with her we decided on a chinchilla (grey) dwarf.  And she said she thought it was a male but couldn't tell for sure, she admitted they all look like males until they are older.

The bunny is adorable and surprisingly cuddly and mellow. It even allows my 16 month old to "pet" it (which is more akin to hitting).  It has a grey salt and pepper look to it, so I thought pepper would be a cute name.  I suggested this to my 3 year old, but he has become very insistent upon naming the bunny Tree.  We tried other suggestions like smoke.  But he keeps insisting upon Tree.  Where did he come up with Tree?  We tried explaining that tree is not a name.  But then again there are children with names like prairie, rain, sierra and just about anything you can imagine.  Maybe I should let him name his bunny Tree so someday I don't have a grandchild named Tree!  And really what makes pepper and smoke any more reasonable of a name for a bunny than Tree other than the fact that we have heard those names before.  Well, I have not consented to Tree just yet, I thought I will let him sleep on it and see what the morning brings.

But I think I could live with the name Tree for the newest member of our family.  And who am I to stop the imaginative mind of a 3 year old and their desire to give their bunny a rather silly name.  Although as I was putting him to bed I asked him one more time what we should name the bunny, he said "mommy" repeatedly while giggling.  So I guess it's either Tree or Mommy!
 

Coloring Clouds Blue

I was watching my three year-old son color.  He was carefully coloring the log (tree trunk) brown and then diligently trying to draw circles in the tree because he said they were bird nests. He then went on to color the carrot and bunny.  We then got in to quite a lengthy discussion on the bunny needing to go to the bathroom, which turned in to the question "where do bunnies poop".  And then because he gets stuck on one thing, we had to look for another picture with a tree in it to color.  We came across one that was already partially colored.  As he started to color it he looked at the cloud, which I had colored blue.  He said "no, no mommy clouds are not blue they are white!"  I looked at it and laughed.  I told him he was indeed correct, clouds are white, sometimes grey or sometimes black but never blue.  He was quite appalled at my error and hurriedly looked through his crayon box for a white crayon.  We could not find any white crayons and he said "we will have to go to the store and buy one!"

Was my mistake that hideous that it required an immediate trip to the store for a white crayon?  In his three year old mind it was.  Fortunately three year olds are often easily distracted and we soon moved on to something else.  Am I the only one who colors clouds blue?  For some reason when coloring I always automatically color clouds blue.  It is the silliest most ridiculous thing, have you ever seen a blue cloud?  I have seen the bluest skies, I have seen beautiful white fluffy clouds, I have seen grey dreary clouds, I have seen scary black stormy clouds and I have seen gorgeous sunsets making pink and orange clouds.  But is there such a thing as a bright blue cloud?

This really makes me think.  What is it in my brain that accepts the idea of blue clouds when coloring.  Is it something ingrained from when I was a child.  Something I don't even question but just do.  Are there other things in my life that I don't know why I do them but I just do them anyway.

Okay so I did a little research and I googled blue clouds (I think nowadays googling counts as research, kind of sad).  There are a lot of businesses named blue cloud.  As it turns out there is such a thing as a blue cloud.  When light reflects in certain ways it can make a blue cloud or in certain types of storms clouds can appear blue. Interesting Cloud info website  There is also some strange blue cloud hovering over the earth that can be seen from space according to a 2003 NASA report!

Sigh of relief, so my theory of coloring clouds blue wasn't completely inaccurate.  There is such a thing as a blue cloud.  I can now report this newfound knowledge back to my three year old and tell him mommy isn't completely crazy.  Although I will pause the next time when coloring a cloud, because I think a white cloud is much more realistic, it is the sky we shall color blue!  All of this from my son who colored his bunny green and the carrot blue!

But this has proved to me that it is good and healthy to be questioned in what we do and what we believe.  Because it is imperative that sometimes we dig a little deeper and ask ourselves why do we do this?  Why do we believe what we do?  We are not to follow and do things blindly but we are to live with conviction that what we are doing is good and right and true!

Picture from my very own photos and this does appear to be a blue cloud!  I have seen one!

Insignificant Days

Today was just a normal, average, everyday kind of day.  Nothing big or significant happened.  It was just an insignificant day, a short little bleep on the timeline of my life.  It was a simple day of feeding, playing and caring for my family.  Yet I marvel in the normalcy of the day.  The sticky little fingers that licked the syrup off the waffles and asked for more.  The squeals of laughter as they ran playing and chasing each other.  The simple fun had playing with a ball.  The sweet lengthy prayer of my 3 year old with eyes squeezed tight shut and hands folded.  Watching two little boys color while I made grilled cheese.  Reading books with little ones snuggled close.  Tickling and giggling as I was told to "Chase me and tickle me".  Playing drums made out of plastic containers and two sticks.  And to end the day two sweet babies tucked under my arms as we snuggled and watched their favorite movie.

It is not a day I will remember because anything big or major happened.  I conquered no big feats, world hunger and the orphan crisis remain.  Two issues that I have lost sleep over recently.  It felt like a very insignificant day.  But then I wonder, is their such a thing as an insignificant day?  Are these insignificant days really the significant ones?  Will my sons remember big moments in life or will they remember the small things that happened in the every days?  Do these days of normalcy prepare us for the big moments?

Today, I realized that these normal days are a gift.  A gift to remind me that as small and insignificant as I am in this world; I can make a difference in my little world.  I can live these days with all the thankfulness and enthusiasm that they deserve!  It does not mean that I should not focus on the world at large.  I push myself to not get too comfortable sitting on my sofa living in a land of plenty.  I want to cry tears for the starving, sick, orphaned and unloved.  I need to be uncomfortable with all I have in the scope of the big picture.  But, some days I need to be reminded that my small insignificant days really do have meaning and the little bit I am doing to make the world a better place is significant!  Thank you God for that reminder.  Thank you for allowing me to be your humble servant.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8-9  

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

I never fully understood the phrase "Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk".  That is until my 3 year-old son spilled his entire cup of milk and it ran dripping down the wall onto the floor of my just recently scrubbed kitchen.  The fact that I had just thoroughly cleaned and that a gallon of milk costs more than a gallon of gas, on a worse day that would have been enough to make me cry.  But thankfully it was not a worse day and I quietly wiped it up while reminding my son that he needs to be careful.  

The act of not crying over anything spilled seems to be a daily occurrence in our house.  With two toddlers it seems like there are always cheerio and goldfish crumbs just about anywhere.  My husband does not understand how this is possible, I don't understand how it would NOT be possible.  That is unless he decided to hire me a full-time maid!  He commented the other night that he did not have to get a snack because their appeared to be almost an entire granola bar smashed in the throw blanket, yikes.  Ok, so it had gotten a little bad, but cut me some slack I was sick the past two weeks and we were in survival mode.  The living room did get a scrupulous cleaning yesterday and I even washed that throw blanket.

I am so thankful for my mom who NEVER makes me feel guilty about things.  I am thankful she has a laid back mothering style and that she always makes me feel good and reminds me that things are only a passing phase.  When I worry over sleep or eating habits she simply says they will grow out of them.  It made me laugh because at one of my doctor's visits, I told the doctor some advice my mom gave me.  The doctor said "Often mom's don't give the best advice, but I would agree with your mother"!  Go mom, she is doctor approved.  I read in a book one time how there is no one quite like your mother that you can trust with your kids.  They said she is the one person you can count on to grab the baby and their baby book and push you out of the way to get out of the house if it were on fire, haha.

I am also thankful for my dad who tells me I am a good mother.  And I know he has seen me on some of my worst days.  Because let's face it that is where I have ended up with the kids on some days when I was at the end of my patience.  I think there is a special reward God gives to dad's who have all daughters and never complained about it and that is grandsons!  Seeing my dad with my little boys is so fun, he has been enjoying every minute of it.  This is something I will write more about another time.

But, back to the spilt milk, so I googled the phrase.  The Wiktionary told me that this proverb means "It is no use worrying about unfortunate events which have already happened and cannot be changed."  Hmm...this is a very good proverb for me.  Look forward and never back, a lot of things are out of our control and there is really no point worrying over the past.  A person with a positive attitude cleans up the damage and moves on and learns from past mistakes.  No pity parties allowed.  So don't cry over whatever the spilt milk is in your life but move on, always persevering and pressing forward!

"You have persevered and endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary"  Revelation 2:3    

The miracle of life

I have not typed a blog post in quite awhile.  Life has been busy, we are amid a job change for my husband; and me and the little boys have been battling colds.  But when I do not write I find I miss it and I need the outlet to process all that is happening amidst me.  This brings me to my thoughts for today.


The very beginning and conception of life is such a miracle.  A miracle that my husband and I do not take for granted.  A miracle that I feel blessed to really and truly appreciate.  On my toughest days when I feel at the end of the rope with my two precious boys; a miracle I force myself to reflect on.  The fact that I did not conceive quickly (quite an understatement, it took almost 5 years) and the fact that we were blessed through adoption with our first beautiful son has made me into the person I am.  And I am thankful for that.  Yes, I am thankful that I cried bucketfuls of tears longing to be a mother.  Thankful that I felt the ache of empty arms and an empty womb.  Why am I thankful of the pain I endured?  


Because, all of this has made me acutely aware of others pain and suffering and in awe and wonder of the gift of life.  In my small world of family and friends their are 7 babies coming within the next five months!      And within the last several months I have prayed for friends grieving the loss of a baby through miscarriage, I have cried tears with a friend longing to conceive, I have encouraged and supported a young unwed mother, I have rejoiced with a friend who is finally expecting, I have rejoiced for a couple who was finally placed with a baby through adoption, and I am now praying for a baby born too soon.


All of this makes me realize just how vulnerable life is and how fragile the promise of life is.  We all know that none of us are promised tomorrow.  But sometimes we forget the struggle life can have from the very beginning.  It comes in many different ways; infertility, miscarriage, unplanned, unexpected, unwanted, difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, sickness at birth, disabilities and handicaps.


Life is indeed fragile, pray for those in your life who are in these stages of their lives.  Love them and support them.  Intercede when given the chance for those unborn babes!  I know there were many who loved and supported me when I was in this difficult phase in my life.  I will be eternally grateful for all who interceded on behalf of my oldest son.  Grateful to his biological mother for carrying and giving birth to him, grateful for the ladies at the women's shelter who supported and loved his biological mother, grateful to the one's who loved and cared for him when he was born and very sick, grateful to the loving hands at the orphanage who cared for him until we were able to come bring him home!  I am also eternally grateful for those who did not give up praying that we would conceive!  THANK YOU to all who prayed, cried and rejoiced with us upon the gift of life of both of our sons! 


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  Psalm 139:13-14

The Love of a Good Man

About a month ago my husband and I celebrated 11 years of marriage.  I look at my parents who have been married over 30 years and my grandparents who have been married over 50 years and I marvel and thank God for the heritage of loving and committed marriages that I come from.  I know that being married 11 years IS a big deal these days and I am thankful and in awe of what I have, the love of a good man.  Although when I think about it, this feels like an understatement.  


My husband who loves me unconditionally through the good and the bad, who works tirelessly to support our family, who loves and plays with our children, who is strong in his faith, who is loyal, committed and above all else self-sacrificing.  To call him a good man is an understatement, because to me; he is great!


Marriage is a lot of give and take and we have learned a lot over the years.  We still miscommunicate quite frequently and often are stressed with the responsibility of caring for our two sons.  We have had many disagreements over the years but have always worked through them.  I am not trying to give the impression that our marriage is peaches and cream, because it is not.  It is a lot of daily hard work and grace.


On reflecting over our 11 years of marriage the one thing that I am most thankful for is the experiences I have had along side my husband.  I am a Lancaster county girl born and raised in this fertile farming community.  And I will be honest, I love it here and could easily raise my children and live here the rest of my life.  This sentiment is said much to my husband's chagrin, although I think he is enjoying the beauty of where we are currently living.  There is nothing like looking out the window and seeing rolling, lush, green fields.


But since I've known my husband my horizons have been broadened. I have lived halfway across the country for several years, we have traveled to many different countries and I have now been on 4 continents.  I do have a sense of adventure, but nothing close to my husband.  It has been so good for him to push me to have these experiences and broaden my world view.  I can no longer sit in my comfy, American home and be unaware of the needs of billions of people across the globe.  These experiences we have had, have shaped and molded us in to the people we are today.  We are both more compassionate, loving and deeply in awe of our creator.


I think what turns the love of a good man in to the love of a great man is when it is unconditional.  No matter what has happened in our lives over the last 11 years unconditional love has remained, and this is what makes him GREAT!  And this is what makes me say I look forward to another 50 years with this great man!  For those who aren't married don't settle for good, hold out for great.

Moments of the Heart

Have you ever had a moment in time that was so beautiful you wanted to capture it in your heart?  I've had several moments like this.  In fact, I had one just yesterday.  It was something my mind's eye captured and it will remain in this momma's heart.  It was so simple yet so beautiful.


My youngest son had just woken up from his nap.  He was standing in our living room with one tear-drop still in the corner of his eye and his hair mussed from sleeping (the little bit he has).  He was looking a little dazed trying to wake up.  My older son out of the blue came up behind him wrapped his small arms around his little brother's neck hugged him and gave him a kiss on the back of the head.  This immediately brought a smile from sleepy little brother who turned to look admiringly at his big brother.  As he turned I saw the wet mark from that big slobbery kiss (big brother is a drooling machine).  It was a sweet, simple moment that stole my breath away.


For these two little boys are not brothers by blood, but they are brothers in every sense of the word.  They look nothing alike.  Big brother is almost 3 and has beautiful light brown skin with black hair and dark brown eyes and is on the small side.  Little brother is 15 months old has fare skin, light hair and light brown eyes and is not on the small side, haha.  I think in a few years they will be in the same size clothing.  As I'm sure any mother of adopted children or blended families understands, I have worried about these things.  I worry what other people will say to or in front of my sons.  People don't mean to, but they can say really ignorant, hurtful things.  I worry about what kids will say to them someday when they get older.  But worry has no positive outcome.  I've decided the best thing I can do for them is help them to understand that they ARE REAL brothers no matter what anyone says.  Being birthed of the same mother does not make these two brothers.  But playing, fighting, laughing, loving and living life together and having a mommy and daddy who love them unconditionally, does make them brothers!  They are brothers and I dare anyone to ever tell them differently, for they will face this momma bear. 


So that is why this quiet moment of gentle love was captured in my heart and will remain there.  It is proof to me that family is what me make it, it is who we love, who we open our hearts to.  Family is who we unconditionally promise forever to.  That is why when children are adopted people often say "they are now with their forever family".  To me it is a beautiful picture.  A beautiful picture of what it is like to be adopted in to God's forever family.  I can picture Jesus some day wrap his arms around me in love and place a kiss on the top of my head and say welcome to your forever family.  


"How great is the Love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!  And that is what we are!  The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him" 1John 3:1

Choices, choices, choices

I am a fairly good decision maker.  I normally do not agonize over the color of a shirt or which sandals to buy when shopping.  I tend to make a fairly quick decision, feel good about it and stick with it.  Now that I have two little boys, decisions are made even faster.  I remember needing a new bathing suit before our vacation last spring.  I had my 3 month old, 2 year old and husband all at the mall and I needed a swimsuit. This is one thing I think every woman hates shopping for and I am no different.  A normal shopping trip for a swimsuit usually takes me many stores and often several weeks.  But I was under extreme circumstances here.  I picked out about 4 swimsuits to try on and actually found one I liked,  I think it took about 30 minutes total, this was a record for me!  Little boys and husbands sure do speed up the process when shopping.


There are some people on the other hand that seem to carefully weigh all of the pros and cons of every minute decision.  This would be my sister.  Ever since she was little I can remember waiting for what seemed like forever for her to make decisions.  She would go back and forth over what color jelly shoes or leg warmers to buy (yes, we are 80's babies).  Even deciding what kind of ice-cream to get was a monumental decision!  Sorry, sis but you know it's true.  She has gotten better as she's grown older and I think when she has children some day she will become an even faster decision maker out of necessity.


I am not saying either is right or wrong.  There are plusses in making quick decisions and plusses in taking your time in making decisions.  Medic hubby and I have had a lot of decisions and choices to make over the last few weeks.  We have stayed up late nights talking through pros and cons and reassuring each other that we are making the decision that is in the best interest of our family.  There definitely is a time and place for taking your time in making a big decision.  


This morning when I was taking a shower I had a revelation.  This seems to be the place where I often have profound thoughts (probably because it is the only time I get to myself)!  I have been very stressed and cranky lately because of everything we have had going on and the strain of an over loaded schedule.  I wondered what happened to the happy, positive and thankful person I had been the last few months.  And then it dawned on me this is a decision, a choice I have to make everyday.  I need to choose to be positive, happy and thankful.  This was more of a duh moment than a profound moment, because I know this!  But it is amazing the difference a positive attitude can have on your life.

Responsibilities vs. Relationships

The balance between tasks and people has always been a challenge for me.  I am a very task oriented person, I like having check-lists and checking things off...I know weird, right.  I feel good when I get to the end of a day and I know I accomplished a lot.  I give credit to my mom for teaching me to be efficient and run a household to the best of my abilities (she probably doesn't want to take credit, because lately my house is a disaster).  I know responsibility is important and checking off those items is essential.  But I am often convicted of the fact that more important than tasks are people!  I feel I have grown a lot in this area over the last few years especially since kids came along.


The other day we had just put the boys down for their afternoon nap.  I breathed a sigh of relief as my mind was racing ahead to my to-do list for the afternoon.  Most days this is the only time I have to actually get anything accomplished.  Just then we got an unexpected phone call from several college student friends who were close by and wanted to stop by for a visit.  Of course, medic hubby being the easy-going, go with the flow guy that he is told them to come on over.  Now, I love these kids dearly but was slightly annoyed at their timing.  But I gave myself a pep talk of relationships before responsibilities.  I washed a few dirty dishes to make myself feel better and then joined them on the porch.  You know...it was the most refreshing afternoon I had in a long time.  We sat on the porch and talked, laughed and reminisced about experiences we had shared.  It was a delight to catch up with these kids and see how they are blossoming and maturing in to adults.  As, they were pulling away in their car and I could hear the cries from my youngest son waking from his nap, I was reminded of the rewards of putting people before tasks.


I am constantly reminding myself of this with my sons too.  Sometimes, I need to just take the time to play, act silly and enjoy my time with them.  I don't want to be remembered as the person with the cleanest house and the most organized life, I want to be remembered as the one who took the time to listen, laugh and love.  I recently read an article about the lost art of lingering.  I want to learn to linger with people, over a cup of coffee, or during a meal or whatever the situation.  I want to build honest and true relationships where they know they are much more important than my to-do list!


If you have knowledge of Bible stories you may remember the story of the two sisters Mary & Martha and Jesus visiting them.  The short version is that Jesus comes and Martha is busy doing, doing, doing and Mary is quietly sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to him.  Martha complains that her sister is not helping and Jesus answers "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."  Part of me wants to argue that Martha is only doing what is necessary to see to Jesus' needs and is showing hospitality.  But the other part of me knows Jesus is right, sometimes the most important thing is to be still and listen. 


I have to be honest if I really think about it I would much rather be lingering over a cup of coffee with someone than cleaning my house.  So if you come to visit me, my house may be a mess but I will make you a mean cup of joe or a nice cup of tea and sit and linger with you!

The child dare devil

My oldest son who is soon to celebrate his third birthday is a typical boy.  He loves trains, tractors, cars, monster trucks, playing in the sand and dirt, collecting sticks and stones and etc.  I have however, noticed a shred of cautiousness in him, to which I being his mother, am thankful.  When driving his battery operated truck he will stop and look at his daddy to get a go ahead nod before driving off the short ledge between our garages.  He will eyeball a jump off the porch and hesitate a moment before taking it.  This gives me a measure of comfort that there is some thought going into all his boyish ways of jumping, running and climbing.


Then on the other hand there is his little brother.  Little brother is 14 months old and a dare devil if I have ever seen one.  From the time he started walking he was also climbing up on things.  He climbs up on their little rocking chair, stands up holds on to the back and rocks back and forth laughing.  He walks to the edge of the sofa and sees how close he can put his foot to the edge without falling off.  Whenever I hear his big brother say "that is very dangerous", I go running in to see what little brother is doing!


Today, was another beautiful day with unseasonably warm temps and we were playing outside most of the day.  Little brother's favorite outside game is to climb up the one side of the porch and walk around to the front and go down the three steps.  Of course, this makes me nervous.  But, he can maneuver the steps surprisingly well, so I give him the freedom to do so and it has not been a problem.  Well, today he somehow tripped and fell down one step and hit his head.  Thankfully, it was just a brush burn but it did create quite a goose-egg on his forehead.  Oh, I felt awful and he cried.  Sometimes I think he is just at that difficult age of not quite knowing what his limits are.  But, then I think I didn't go through all of this with big brother!  Little brother definitely seems to have the dare devil approach to everything he does!


I watched him later in the day climb in to the back of their Tonka dump truck and the momentum of him climbing in gave it foreword motion and it started to roll down the hill with him riding in the back.  He also went up and down the same steps he fell on at least a dozen times after the fall.  This evening he climbed up on to a wooden bench we have and was standing their doing some kind of crazy dance and laughing.  He knows he is not to climb up there and does it for attention.  He also likes to get a rise out of us and thinks that No means, that was funny do it again.


WOW, it is amazing how different each child is.  We have challenges with both.  But I get especially anxious thinking about what the future could hold for this little dare devil boy of mine.  I can definitely see a thrill seeking streak in him that has to come from his daddy...right!

Raising Little Lambs

Spring, glorious spring, peaked it's head forth today.  It was a beautiful day and the outdoors beckoned us.  Both my boys love playing outside.  My almost 3 year-old son can spend hours driving his cars around in his sand box or just laying digging in the dirt.  My 14 month-old son loves to run full throttle through the yard and try to maneuver up and down every possible step and ledge.  


As soon as we got outside I noticed something new in our neighbor's yard.  Our neighbor is a retired farmer who has a huge garden and a meadow with three sheep and several chickens.  Much to my delight I saw two lambs standing with their mother in the far pasture.  I was so excited I quickly gathered up the boys and we walked over to have a closer look.  


There is just something about newly born lambs.  They are so adorable!  They stuck closely to their mother's side and soon began to nurse.  As I sat there on the soft grass in the warm sunshine with my boys, watching the lambs, I was struck with the contrast they were to their mother.  Their mother had long dingy wool, was a bit fat and didn't look like anything special.  But these lambs were a stark comparison to her with pure white wool on spindly, shaky legs.  Isn't this how new life is?  These new beings born into our broken, imperfect world.  They come so beautiful, so full of life, yet so fragile.  They depend completely on their mother for their very life.  


As, I marveled over these things my oldest son pointed to the sheep poop and asked what it was.  He then went on to ask if the sheep go on the potty.  I explained that no they go poop in their meadow.  And his interest in the new lambs was soon lost and my youngest son took off running through the farmer's field.  But I couldn't resist dragging them back their a second time with my camera to get a few pictures of these little twin lambs.  Their is another sheep that is big and fat and our neighbor said will probably give birth in another week or so.  I am excited to watch these little lambs grow and run and jump in the meadow as I can only imagine lambs doing.  

It makes me want to take my "little lambs" in my arms and give them a squeeze.  I look forward to many more glorious spring days as I watch my kiddos romp around the yard and drink in the sunshine.  I realize I may not get a lot accomplished over the coming months with the majority of our time spent outdoors but I will work on the most important thing and that is raising my little lambs!  

Traveling with Toddlers

I remember days long past when my husband and I would jump in the car and head out for the day without a plan other than to enjoy the day and see where the road takes us.  Those days of spontaneity are past now that we have two toddlers.  But we are bound and determined to not let the fact that we have little kids keep us from having fun days out.  It just takes a tad more advanced planning.


We had a day out yesterday and it went quite well all things considered.  We only decided Friday night after the boys were in bed that we were going to make the trip and what we were going to do.  That is about as spontaneous as our life gets these days.


Even if it is only a day trip it requires quite the preparation.  Medic hubby had a meeting in the morning, so I spent the morning giving breakfast, dressing the boys and packing our bags.  How much can one day require?  Well, with a 1 and 3 year-old quite a bit.  I packed diapers, wipes, snacks, drinks, sweatshirts, jackets, hats, a change of clothes, pajamas, stroller and of course ducky and monkey.  So by 11am when medic hubby returned home we loaded up and were on the road by 11:30.  This was actually a pretty successful early start for us.


We drove about 45 minutes and then stopped at a fast food restaurant for a quick lunch, which went relatively smoothly.  We lost only 1 chicken nugget and a few fries to the floor and only spilled a little bit of milk.  We then went to the museum that had been recommended only the day before by a friend.  It was a museum that showed how they make their ice-cream and teas.  The boys had fun running around and it was very kid friendly.  Medic hubby was slightly annoyed that he didn't get to read all the signs (heaven help us), I was just trying to keep from losing a kid.  At the end we got to taste their ice-cream which was everyones favorite part!


After a second potty break (taking toddlers to public restrooms is at the bottom of my list of favorite things to do).  It usually goes something like this:  "don't touch anything", "I said don't touch anything".  After he goes, I usually use the bathroom too, then it goes like this: "No, don't look under the door", "no, don't open the door", "I said don't touch anything!".  Sigh...I never did like public restrooms, now I hate them!


We then loaded back up in the car and they both fell asleep as we drove another hour to Medic hubby's friend's goodbye party.  To my surprise neither were cranky even though they had very short naps as we visited with Medic hubby's friend and others at the party.   Thankfully it was a nice day and they could play in his yard.  It is always a challenge to corral 2 toddlers in someone else's house that does not have children.  While we were there we walked down to the inlet close by where they watched the ducks and played at the edge of the water.


We then said our goodbyes and packed up again.  We started our drive home and both were happy.  As always we seemed to have slightly misjudged melt down points.  We waited a little too long to stop for dinner.  We stopped at a diner and this meal did not go quite as smoothly.  Both were quite cranky and quite noisy.  But we made it through and finished the rest of the drive home.  We arrived home with two very sleepy little boys.  I think medic hubby and myself were just as tired.  Medic hubby said as we were driving home "I don't usually say this, but I'm ready to go home".


It was a tiring day for all of us, but it was a fun day.  I'm glad we took the extra effort required to make a trip with toddlers and did it.  We only have a few years to make memories with these precious little ones!

Locked out, peering through & guardian angels

I had an "Oh Crap" moment yesterday.  I had just got home with the boys and taken my almost 3 year-old in the house and went back to get my very sleepy 14 month old.  As I got back to the door with sleepy head in my arms I realized the door was locked.  I could see my purse, keys and cell phone sitting on the counter and my 3 year old was locked in also.  I sighed, took a deep breath and knocked on the door calling for my older son.  He finally came to the door laughing as he peered through the window at us.  Now to get him to open the door.  Hmmm....he hasn't done this and I don't really want him to know how.  But this was an extreme circumstance.  As I told him to pull down on the handle as hard as he could I tried to push the door.  After several attempts we got it open.  Phew, catastrophe avoided.  We do have a hide a key, but the last time I tried to use that the box was so covered in dirt I couldn't get it open.

Speaking of peering this has become my almost 3 year-old son's new favorite word.  It is not a word that I use often.  I'm pretty sure he must have got it from Thomas.  He is always saying that he is peering over to whatever.  The one day we were driving to his grandparents house and there is this famously bumpy road that always makes them laugh.  He said "I am peering over to the bumpy road" and then when we turned on to the next road he said "I am still thinking about the bumpy road".  Where does he come up with this stuff.  I am starting to see his imagination coming through.  His favorite pretend game is to pretend he is a baby pig and he pretends to drink from my stomach because I am his mommy pig.  This makes me laugh because he saw at a local fair a litter of pigs drinking from their mother and the very next day he was trying to drink from my stomach. 

This brings me to my 14 month-old who's two favorite animal noises are woof woof and some sort of oinking sound.  This little boy has gone from the "tornado" to the "destroyer".  He is just full speed ahead.  He has learned to open doors (we now have child proof door knob covers on almost every door in our house) and he climbs up on to everything!  The other morning after I finished cleaning up breakfast I went to check on them.  They were in their playroom where everything is supposed to be child proof.  There he was sitting on our windowsill nose pressed against the window sucking on his pacifier.  Yikes, he must of used another toy to climb up there.  We have decided that he works his guardian angel overtime.  Since he has turned 1 year-old we have found him on 3 different occasions at the top of a flight of stairs looking down at us.  The other night he pulled his humidifier down and made a mess.  After we were done cleaning up the mess I went to find him and he was angelically sitting on the floor of the playroom looking at books and stayed their doing that for a good 15 minutes.  He is a delightful child but just so curious about everything!

It really is amazing to think about.  To discover the world anew like a child.  Where every little thing holds wonder.  To be so full of life and not hold back.  I've learned a lot of lessons from watching my children!

The Blah's

It has been a week of the blahs.  I was sick, really sick for 24 hours.  I mean I can't remember the last time I was that sick.  I went to bed with a headache and upset stomach and woke up at midnight really sick.  I was almost completely out of service for 24 hours straight.  Fortunately, it was a day my husband was home and was able to take care of the wee ones for me.

What is it about being a mother that makes us feel so guilty for getting sick?  I kept mumbling apologies to medic hubby all day long amidst puking and exhaustion.  I don't remember ever feeling so guilty when I had to miss work because I was sick.  And the thing is before kids I could call off work and lay in bed in a quiet house and rest.  Now with kids I have to power through sickness and continue to take care of them.  This time I was actually so sick I couldn't do that, so I did lay in bed and tried to sleep.  But I could hear the screaming and bickering and general struggle that was going on downstairs, this does not help to ease a mother's feeling of guilt. 

I woke up at midnight the following night and could immediately tell I was on the mend.  I felt better the next morning but not great.  Medic hubby was working the next two days so I had no choice but to power through.  I do have family close by which is a big blessing.  It was wonderful to know they were only a phone call away if needed.  As I finished off my second bottle of orange Gatorade on day number 3, I mustered all of the stamina I could to make it through a 24 hour day of medic hubby working.  And I'm not going to lie, it was not a pretty sight.  There was a lot of Thomas watching, a lot of crying and a lot of tired sighs. 

Till the weekend rolled around I was feeling really just blah.  Maybe it was partly the blahs that come with the end of winter.  As I tried to explain to medic hubby how I was feeling he gave me the kick in the butt I needed.  If there is one thing he lacks (I do love the man) it is empathy.  I think it is partly to do with the jaded view that has come with his career.  He basically said stop having a pity party and do something!  

And he is right.  I take my health for granted everyday.  Even though it was a very crummy week, I am very thankful for the good health that I do have.  I think of those who are dealing with cancer and every type of physical pain and heartbreak.  So many people live day to day in pain and yet remain positive and often encouraging to others.  There is no place in my life to have a pity party for myself! I am blessed beyond words.  As my 2 1/2 year old son had said "I am running over blessed"!  Some days I do need this reminder.    

For Real, Honestly

With me, what you see is what you get.  I'm not in to pretending to be something I'm not.  I'm not interested in glossing life over as all peaches and cream.  I mean you may catch me on a good day when I'm looking good and like I got it all under control or you may catch me on a not so great one where I look frazzled and tired.  And this is how it goes up and down that's how life is.  

The truth is if you see me and my hair looks amazing then I was just at the salon.  Although I have to say I love the new "tossled bob" that I got.  I mean wash, scrunch, dry and go and if it's a windy day it just adds to the tossled look!  If my makeup looks good, that means I actually remembered and had time to apply some.  The other day a friend was visiting and a little while after she left I looked in the mirror and saw I had mascara on only one eye!  Oh well, guess I must have got sidetracked while putting it on.  At least she is expecting her first baby and will soon understand.

I've gotten a lot of comments from people reading my blog saying they appreciate my honesty and talking about the every day moments of real life not just the few glossed up amazing moments.  I heard a song on the radio this morning and the lyrics of the chorus caught my attention.  The song is called "Honestly" by Vota.  The chorus goes like this: If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see, honestly

If you have a few minutes check out the music video Honestly by Vota

I love that, so true!  Mercy and grace abound in my life this is how I can have hope for each and everyday.  And if you think my life is perfect then you don't see the real chaos that mercy and grace save me from.  And if you don't see my weaknesses and moments of stupidity then you don't see what  love has done.  I believe there is hope and healing in the ugly that can come with life.  If there is one thing I strive to never be called it is a hypocrite.  

I have avoided sharing too much of my faith on my blog, but it is the reason I have grace, mercy, love and hope in my life.  My prayer is that the very reason for my existence exudes from my life and the grace and mercy that I experience everyday shines through my writings.  I would LOVE to share my personal story with anyone who wants to know more.

This is me transparent, for real, honestly!  

"But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'".  2 Corinthians 12:9a

Haircuts, Lollipops & Clutter Control

My oldest son who is not quite 3 (although has been known to tell people he is 2 and soon will be 5) was in need of a haircut.  At this point I have dubbed myself as the barber for my two boys.  Although for those who know my youngest son who is 1 year old, he is still quite bald (he may need a haircut by the time he is 3).  I started cutting my oldest son's hair at around 1 year old.  I was told by a friend to stick him in a highchair and give him something to eat and then cut away.  So what was my choice of distraction, a lollipop!  Clearly, I had not thought this through.  Hmm.....sticky lollipops while cutting hair.  Despite the mess this trick seemed to work quite well.  And the next time a haircut was mentioned a lollipop was asked for, so this became the tradition.  And now even though baby boy #2 does not need a haircut he also gets a lollipop during the hair cutting.

So today, as I cut baby boy #1's hair and he happily sucked on his lollipop I was not surprised to see the hair sticking around his face and on his hands.  But as I looked over at baby boy #2 who was running around the kitchen thrilled to have a lollipop, I was a little perplexed at the fact that his little mouth and hands were also covered in hair!  Well, needless to say the first thing that follows haircuts and lollipops is always a bath.  But as I herded them in to the bathroom they were not ready to give up the lollipops.  I thought about it for a moment and put them in the tub lollipops and all.  I mean really is there a better place to eat lollipops?  There really was nothing to get sticky in the bathtub, I have to say I thought this a bit ingenious!  

I called medic hubby who was on the way home from work.  We talked a minute and he asked what the boys were doing.  I said "Oh, they are eating lollipops and taking a bath".  I didn't think how strange this sounded and it was only 9am.  So, I had to explain the scenario a bit.  I then discovered this was a little more complicated than I had anticipated.  The first issue I found was they liked to dip them in the bath water and swirl them around, which is gross.  The second issue was safety pops are no longer safe when the entire stick is wet and bends.  My 1 year old had stuffed the lollipop stick and all in his mouth.  Well....so the idea wasn't ingenious.  The lollipops were confiscated before finished to much protesting.  Hey, you live and you learn.

So, a little later as soon as medic hubby walks in the door, I pounce on him with the idea of rearranging some furniture.  Poor guy he had just got home from working a 24-hour shift and I was full of ambitious ideas.  He is a good sport and agreed to my suggestions and began helping me move things around.  I was explaining to him that I was still trying to find what worked in this house and how to make it efficient.  To which he responded "this isn't a business".  I was slightly offended.  I informed him that this IS my career right now and I do want things to run smoothly and efficiently.

Later I was thinking about it and I think my job title might as well be "chaos and clutter control".  This is what I feel like I am doing most days.  I am simply getting us from one day to another with as little chaos as possible and trying to keep the clutter under control so we don't lose our sanity.  For those of you who have children you understand this.  I can remember my view was completely different before children.  Things actually stayed where you put them!  I can remember visiting friends' houses who had kids and thinking #1 it smells weird in here and #2 what a mess, there are toys everywhere.  Now, I totally get it.  I mean there are many days where you cannot walk through our house without stepping on a toy or cheerio every step of the way.  My 1 year old son has officially been dubbed the tornado by medic hubby and me.  He is full speed ahead, climbing up on things, pulling things down, emptying cupboards and squeezing into tight spaces.  I find that household chores take 10 times as long as they should and as soon as I turn my back something is pulled down or emptied out.  

So medic hubby for your information I am president of the Chaos and Clutter department at the Homefront corporation!